Projecting myself onto video game characters

Okay, so I know video game characters are not connected with reality, but I can't help finding layers upon layers of parallels that two video game characters in particular and I have in common. Final Fantasy is unquestionably my favorite video game series, and two of my favorite characters in the series are very much like me: Cloud from Final Fantasy VII, and Squall from Final Fantasy VIII. Cloud spend much of the FFVII storyline (including Compilation) feeling inadequate for failing in many things in his life. Failing to be strong enough to help others; failing to make SOLDIER; failing to help Zack during their flight from Shinra; and failing to protect Aeris, to name a few. He also has an identity crisis; he doesn't like who he is (seeing himself as a failure), so he adopts the persona of his friend, SOLDIER 1st Class Zack. He admires Zack, Sephiroth, and other figures of strength and accomplishment so deeply that he projects their identity traits into his own, casting aside his own personality. Cloud wants to be someone that people look to and admire as a hero. Like Cloud, I feel that same insecurity and inadequacy. I feel so worthless when I think about where my life is going, because I do not know. I don't know what my purpose here on earth is; I don't know what my goals in life are; I don't know what I want to accomplish and leave behind. Squall and I share a number of things in common as well. For one, we look a lot alike; we even have a habit of perpetually frowning. We also abhor social engagement and prefer to be alone, out of fear of being abandoned. Squall literally feared being abandoned again in the same fashion as his becoming an orphan, and I fear abandonment in that I fear once people get to know me and learn about how sick I am and how messed up my life is, they won't want anything to do with me anymore; of this I am certain. I'm not really sure who the real me is, because I am unable to stop myself from admiring others and wanting to be like them.

Thanksgiving...

Thanksgiving is a difficult holiday for me, to say the very least. With food all around me that I fear and the awkwardness I always feel when I am around other people, even my family, I feel flat and broken. My self-loathing and malaise have escalated recently and I feel shattered all the time. It feels like a chore just to make it through the day. So the self-loathing and sadness goes up another level when holidays come around. They should be cause for celebration and enjoyment of family and friends, right? I feel so worthless knowing that these occasions are negative rather than positive for me. Days like today highlight how alone I am. I don't think anyone else in the world will ever want to be around me as a friend or otherwise once they know how screwed up I am. I am very afraid that I will die alone, completely forgotten, without any legacy of note left behind in the world. I'm 22 years old, and this is what I fear. Dying without anyone else in my life, and no one to carry any memory of me. I am afraid I will simply disappear.

Back in the game

So I basically disappeared from the blogosphere for a while...well, my life is pretty complicated and it takes a lot for me just to get through each day. But I love to write and share my gift with words and my perspective with people, so I'm going to be more committed to keeping up on my blog more often. There's just too much stuff I have thoughts and feelings about that I want to share, and I hate keeping it all to myself! It feels as if I am a balloon about to explode because of the pressure, but hopefully this will help.