Thanksgiving...

Thanksgiving is a difficult holiday for me, to say the very least. With food all around me that I fear and the awkwardness I always feel when I am around other people, even my family, I feel flat and broken. My self-loathing and malaise have escalated recently and I feel shattered all the time. It feels like a chore just to make it through the day. So the self-loathing and sadness goes up another level when holidays come around. They should be cause for celebration and enjoyment of family and friends, right? I feel so worthless knowing that these occasions are negative rather than positive for me. Days like today highlight how alone I am. I don't think anyone else in the world will ever want to be around me as a friend or otherwise once they know how screwed up I am. I am very afraid that I will die alone, completely forgotten, without any legacy of note left behind in the world. I'm 22 years old, and this is what I fear. Dying without anyone else in my life, and no one to carry any memory of me. I am afraid I will simply disappear.