Projecting myself onto video game characters

Okay, so I know video game characters are not connected with reality, but I can't help finding layers upon layers of parallels that two video game characters in particular and I have in common. Final Fantasy is unquestionably my favorite video game series, and two of my favorite characters in the series are very much like me: Cloud from Final Fantasy VII, and Squall from Final Fantasy VIII. Cloud spend much of the FFVII storyline (including Compilation) feeling inadequate for failing in many things in his life. Failing to be strong enough to help others; failing to make SOLDIER; failing to help Zack during their flight from Shinra; and failing to protect Aeris, to name a few. He also has an identity crisis; he doesn't like who he is (seeing himself as a failure), so he adopts the persona of his friend, SOLDIER 1st Class Zack. He admires Zack, Sephiroth, and other figures of strength and accomplishment so deeply that he projects their identity traits into his own, casting aside his own personality. Cloud wants to be someone that people look to and admire as a hero. Like Cloud, I feel that same insecurity and inadequacy. I feel so worthless when I think about where my life is going, because I do not know. I don't know what my purpose here on earth is; I don't know what my goals in life are; I don't know what I want to accomplish and leave behind. Squall and I share a number of things in common as well. For one, we look a lot alike; we even have a habit of perpetually frowning. We also abhor social engagement and prefer to be alone, out of fear of being abandoned. Squall literally feared being abandoned again in the same fashion as his becoming an orphan, and I fear abandonment in that I fear once people get to know me and learn about how sick I am and how messed up my life is, they won't want anything to do with me anymore; of this I am certain. I'm not really sure who the real me is, because I am unable to stop myself from admiring others and wanting to be like them.

Thanksgiving...

Thanksgiving is a difficult holiday for me, to say the very least. With food all around me that I fear and the awkwardness I always feel when I am around other people, even my family, I feel flat and broken. My self-loathing and malaise have escalated recently and I feel shattered all the time. It feels like a chore just to make it through the day. So the self-loathing and sadness goes up another level when holidays come around. They should be cause for celebration and enjoyment of family and friends, right? I feel so worthless knowing that these occasions are negative rather than positive for me. Days like today highlight how alone I am. I don't think anyone else in the world will ever want to be around me as a friend or otherwise once they know how screwed up I am. I am very afraid that I will die alone, completely forgotten, without any legacy of note left behind in the world. I'm 22 years old, and this is what I fear. Dying without anyone else in my life, and no one to carry any memory of me. I am afraid I will simply disappear.

Back in the game

So I basically disappeared from the blogosphere for a while...well, my life is pretty complicated and it takes a lot for me just to get through each day. But I love to write and share my gift with words and my perspective with people, so I'm going to be more committed to keeping up on my blog more often. There's just too much stuff I have thoughts and feelings about that I want to share, and I hate keeping it all to myself! It feels as if I am a balloon about to explode because of the pressure, but hopefully this will help.

The beautiful game, always my first love

Soccer has bewitched my soul once again. Throughout my life, it has always been my favorite sport, the only game that combines free-flowing fluidity with an essential symbiosis of physical abilities and advanced mental vision. For a while, I separated from it, as I distorted its role in my life and my self-image. But now, thanks to a close friend and a local team, my soul is once again reverberating with the enthusiasm and joy created by soccer; as if my beating heart were replaced with a Brazilian drum vibrating to the stylings of a samba.

For many years, it caused almost as much pain as it did joy; being an aspiring player trying to play at the college and semi-pro levels, my self-worth was often gauged by how favorably I perceived myself as a soccer player. This perception was almost always overly critical, and the assessment: not good enough, inadequate. I stopped purely having fun playing a long time ago, when the competition and self-improvement became the primary focus rather than simply loving and enjoying a game. By my estimation, this point came when I was 12. I was never fit enough, skilled enough, or good enough.

Soccer became an emblem of guilt that I wore on my heart as I drifted away from the game. I am an infinitely deep well of soccer acumen and knowledge, and I've always been a skilled player, if not the most athletically gifted. But I had become disjointed from the game, unsure how to interpret my relationship with it.

I still watched my favorite team, Manchester United; I could never really go without following them. This team is the only team that I have supported so deeply and fervently that their results affect my disposition. But I felt like my passion was blunted because I wasn't playing anymore. Soccer was an entity that brought sadness and guilt, rather than the enjoyment and fun that it should.

Seattle Sounders FC is in its inaugural season as a member of Major League Soccer, the top professional division in America. I had always been a fan of the Sounders even since their days in the USL-1, and I was happy to see them get their deserved status in MLS. As they have begun play, the Sounders fever has gradually taken hold; I'm excited about this team. They represent us, the people of Washington. I feel more connected with this team than with Manchester United, even though the Red Devils will always come first.

The final straw in breaking the guilty streak and ending the hiatus between soccer and I was a good friend and former teammate on a select team inviting me to play on his indoor soccer team. Last night, we played, and despite not touching a ball for a few months, it was like I never left. The advanced technique and skill, the tactical sense, the vision which blesses me with the ability to craft vivid footballing pictures and make them real, all of them clicked straight back in. It was almost too much emotionally; I felt so grateful. And best of all, I had fun. It didn't bother me if I made mistakes or had some moments of rust. I was back playing the world's game, my game.

Even though the Sounders lost 1-0 to the Kansas City Wizards tonight, I take solace in the fact that soccer and I have reuinted completely. I missed you, footie.

Some thoughts.

I'll preface the heavier things with some sarcasm.

Sign of the Apocalypse 4/9/09: At Target, today I noticed that they carry an animated version of the story of Jesus Christ's crucifixion, titled: "The Animated Passion: Friendly for the Whole Family."

I've restarted my undergraduate studies after transferring to a larger, public university. I love the classes, I love the campus, I love the city, but I have some problems. I don't know many people here at all, and I am still in pretty urgent need of friends to really help push me towards completing my reintegration. It's surreal; I'm on campus, walking around in between classes, and there are people my age everywhere, but I still feel isolated because I don't know or talk to any of them. It's a strange psychological paradox: I'm around hundreds of other people yet I am still alone.

While it may be a tad melodramatic and certainly not helpful to dwell on, I often say that I have largely forgotten how to really make friends. I can manage all the interpersonal social skills that are basic for everyday life.

But I'm afraid of trying to do anything to go beyond that point. I've always been relatively inept when it comes to the art of making friends, asking girls out, etc. It's because I'm afraid of rejection: that they will either throw my humble request back in my face, or that they will dislike what they see in me once they become more acquainted. I'm afraid of not being good enough for people.

The result is embarrassing. Desperate for friends and/or affection from girls, suffice to say I try way too hard. I create paralysis through analysis, thinking far too much about every minute detail, worrying about what people think about me (more often than not, what I think people think about me).

And this is the situation I find myself in now. Much like the experience expressed in the lyrics of Blue Scholars, Common Market, and Gabriel Teodros, I have a second home in my headphones because I don't know what to do about my social circumstances.

Exxon and Enjoi...here's a punch in the face

I have some major issues with two large companies of very contrasting businesses. Exxon Mobil, the oil giant, and Enjoi, the skate company, both draw my ire.

I enjoy watching college basketball; so during the NCAA tournament, I had to put up with a barrage of Exxon Mobil commercials from their latest ad campaign during which they extol their own virtues as champions of new technology. They claim that their various "innovations" will positively impact the environment, save energy, and create energy from alternative sources. While I always take advertising claims with a grain of salt, most people would likely say it all sounds good.

However, we must not forget the infamous Exxon Valdez oil spill of 10 years ago. The pollution from the massive amounts of oil hemorrhaged into the sea is still causing incalculable damage to the Alaskan environment, with most of the oil still remaining there. So: Exxon Mobil is obviously very busy being an environmental hero by pumping their money into multi-million dollar ad campaigns rather than paying their fines or cleaning up their wretched mess. Need I say any more...?

Next I move on to Enjoi, the skateboard and apparel company. My grievances here are much more personal. Surfing through the online store at Zumiez.com, I came across something I found insanely offensive. Enjoi has a new line of slim-fit jeans, the type which fit almost like spandex, in a variety of colors. The name of the jeans: the Manorexic.

I was not amused.

Not only do I take issue with the name of these jeans, actually BEING a "manorexic" (a term which has unfortunately permeated the contemporary vernacular), but the fact that they're also a ridiculously slim fit. They're exactly the type of jeans that a male anorexic would strive to try and fit into because of hating themselves, and they're even CALLED that!

I shall soon be writing an impassioned letter of anger to Enjoi to strongly suggest they remove the line from sale. I urge everyone who reads this to boycott Enjoi and all their products, not just this particular line of jeans. Any company who would be willing to sneer and spit at a very real and devastating affliction does not deserve anyone's business.

Just two more reminders that a growing number of large companies in America really don't care about us, the planet, or the afflictions of either.

Obama finally articulates what's always been inherently true

At the Group of 20 economic summit in London this week, President Obama and the leaders of many of the world's foremost economic powers helped broker some critical policies which will make some inroads into the global recession. But what I find to be even more poignant than the fine print of the paperwork or the crunching of the numbers is a vital truth finally revealed through the President's actions and leadership. President Obama has made it very plain that the United States is not an all-powerful entity capable of dominating the course of the world on its own. In tandem with this is the crucial truth that the United States is not capable of solving the world's problems on its own, either. The culpability for the travails we face in the world, whether they be economic or of even greater social scope (crimes against humanity, disease, poverty, the deterioration of the planet, etc.) lies with all the world's nations and peoples, and we are all subsequently responsible for working to address and resolve them. It is a given that the United States has had a far greater influence in the development of the world's crises for several reasons. For one, the destruction of our own economic rules (and the subsequent degradation of accountability and sense of reponsibility) as well as our rampant commoditization and consumption of essentially everything has completely distorted the equitability of the world's wealth and decimated resources. Additionally, our cavalier naivete in thinking inwardly on a personal level and as a nation-ignorance in our self-perception as a largely invincible country mandated to influence the world, and further ignorance of the aforementioned greater crises in the world because they may not affect us on a personal level, has planted the collective psyche of Americans in an unrealistic sphere of thought (just watch CNN and you'll see what I mean). By continuing to show resolution in a policy of collaboration with the other nations of the world to allay the world's strife in tandem with widespread domesitc reform (to re-stabilize our own economy and restore policies to keep the United States accountable and solvent not only financially, but also as a country based upon and idea rather than heredity or rule by few), the President is making excellent progress in realigning our morality as a part of the world, a component of the sum. And that is worth celebrating and redoubling our efforts to back him, because the cause of humanity is greater than that of just the United States of America.