Introducing myself

I'm a complicated guy. I am also sure that thousands of people say the same things about their own lives. Believe me, after reading this, I think you'll agree.

First of all, I suppose it's important for me to say that while everything I write in my blog is and will be completely authentic, my name is not really Ilan Mathis. Because many of the things I will write about are of very personal nature, I decided to use a pen name for the sake of privacy. But hey, everyone knows Mark Twain, right? Well, Mark Twain was his pen name, and it's still the name everyone knows him by. So I would like anyone who reads and responds to call me by my given name.

I'm a 21-year-old university student, and I have lived in Western Washington my entire life. My world at this moment is a challenging one. I am a man, and I have been anorexic for about two years now. I have also had obsessive-compulsive disorder since I was about 12.

When I think about it, the path my life has taken thus far really set me up for all of this. Growing up through elementary school, middle school, and high school, I never had a lot of friends. I don't really know why; I wasn't a jerk or a problem child. I was always the smart kid, the one who could be counted on for answers to the latest homework assignment because if I didn't provide them, my peers saw fit to exclude and degrade me. About anything. What I wore, my physical appearance, my desperation to fit in, anything. I was an average kid with considerably above-average academics, with some athleticism mixed in. I didn't do anything to anyone that warranted this kind of treatment, but it happened. Hence, I developed low self-worth almost immediately. I won't go into much detail, and I pledge that I am not simply being bitter; I'm not very bitter about any of that stuff anymore. I just think it's important to know in seeing the ugly parts of the portrait of my life to understand the whole. Subsequently, I had trouble making friends, and serious trouble when it came to girls. I was a social wreck who developed a mistrust for everyone.

For those who immediately doubt, or think to themselves: "This guy can't possibly be for real. I mean, come on. A male anorexic with OCD who got made fun of a lot growing up? Sounds like someone's trying to paint his problems in a different color, or just wants some attention," I ask: Do you honestly think I would be sick and twisted enough to make something like that up? If you seriously think that I would possibly WANT to lie about such suffering, you're an idiot. Take me for my word, because I know what the pain feels like, and I know it's inescapable.

I have always been insecure, and self-esteem has always been an issue for me, but please don't hesitate to respond to me or ask me questions! I am not so fragile that one negative comment about my blog will send me into some crazed tailspin!

Obsessive-compulsive disorder sucks. Anorexia sucks. Having them both at once is hellish. It's tough to get through some days, or find something positive to think about instead of something negative when your brain is wired to be hateful towards yourself. When you come to the realization that as soon as you get out of bed in the morning you feel like you're slogging though each day and that your life is a physical, mental, and emotional chore, it can feel very bleak indeed.

But the most important thing is not to give up. Because somewhere within the context of my life and my experiences and my perspectives (and certainly within all of yours as well), life is not as wholly bleak and nightmarish experience of suffering. There are always things to live and fight for regardless of circumstance, and that extends beyond the realms of mental illness. Family, friends, passions, hopes, dreams, even the appreciation of simple everyday pleasures are all fruits of life.

I want to express myself regardless of how I fare each day. I will not filter out the bad experiences and write as if I were a naive optimist (believe me, nothing could be farther from the truth), nor will I brood and stew online as if I were an emo-kid. I want my portait to be holistic, both as a therapeutic tool for expressing myself and to represent to others what the world of mental illness is really like.

But I don't plan to write solely about myself and the rollercoaster that is my life. Nothing makes me feel more alive than expressing and sharing my passions, interests, and beliefs. I've been too scared about what people think (more often it's just what I think people think about me) for far too long. The things I love to know, do, and talk about are sometimes overarching to think about all at once. I love to learn and discover new things about world history, politics, humanities, religions of the world(I am particularly fascinated by Buddhism, and you are likely to find me writing about Buddhist ideas and concepts that resonate with me), sports, contemporary culture, and even video games. (Please note that the only games which really hold any interest for me at all are games with depth and substance, with characters and stories which are rich and emotionally palpable in their development, like several of the Final Fantasy series, VII in particular(!!!). Sure, I'm a nerd, but I don't regard that label as a derogatory one, nor do I compartmentalize myself into a different world completely.)

I guess I'll go ahead and explain two examples of symbolism represented in my profile picture and more importantly, the title of my blog. First, the profile pic: I chose a picture of the character Squall Leonhart from Final Fantasy VIII, for those unfamiliar with that. I chose Squall because I resemble him closely in appearance (honestly, I'm not being narcissist) and nature (a similar reluctance to trust others and ultimately, oneself; and a fear of being completely alone in the world). Also: the weapon he uses, the gunblade, is extremely difficult to use but devastating in the hands of an expert; I consider it the weapon of a perfectionist. (Obviously this is all in the context of the game's canon as neither Squall nor a functional gunblade exist. But if anyone DOES know if an actual working gunblade exists, let me know because that would be sick, wickedly cool.) Squall's gunblade is a representative of my own perfectionism, which is particularly vicious, coming from OCD and anorexia. But when I will myself to accomplish something or challenge my personal demons with enough courage and desire, the results are extremely fulfilling for me.

I call my blog the Black Lotus for several reasons. The lotus flower is a multifaceted symbol. Growing in areas of muck and filth, it is a gorgeous reminder of what good can come from even the bleakest of circumstances. Each night, it folds itself inward and submerges beneath the water, and at each daybreak, it rises again and unfolds itself again in all its beauty. I compare this to the idea that each day is a new beginning with new opportunities, and one should always live moment by moment to appreciate the subtleties of life. As far as I know (and I am no botanist), a black lotus flower does not exist. Also, the color black is imperceptible in depth. Thus I am likening a black lotus flower to myself and my life; I feel like I am a singularly unique individual who can be wonderful to know if one tries hard enough to get past my insecurity. But I also fear that myuniqueness will be an imperturbable wall for others and that I will ultimately be alone in life, hence the nonexistence of the black lotus. The Black Lotus (flower and blog) are both representations of myself and my spirit.

Enough metaphors for you? Thought so!

This is meant to be an ongoing record of my life, my experiences, and the things that really move me and resonate with me.

If you have experienced similar travails in your life as I have, if you share a passion for anything I love, if my writing invokes anything within you, or if you simply have a question or response to any of my content, please don't hesitate to comment! I am an open-minded person, and all perspectives are welcome (unless they are deliberately inflammatory).

I hope I haven't been too terribly long-winded, and I hope whoever reads this and my future entries will read and reply to me, and hopefully do so often! Thanks for reading, and I hope to see you around the blogosphere.

P.S. I really enjoy seeing what others have to say as well! Don't hesitate to drop me a line plugging for your own blog if it's relevant to any of the stuff I write about, but leave a comment while you're at it!