'Ye usually makes me feel upbeat, but...

So I bought Kanye West's album 808s & Heartbreak and listened to it today, and I was particularly struck by "Welcome to Heartbreak." West speaks of feeling as though his whole life has been misguided towards the things that truly matter little in life, instead of realizing that people and relationships are what makes life an experience worth having. I reacted by thinking about my own life. By my own estimation, I don't feel as though I have accomplished much. Okay, I've graduated from high school with a 3.9 GPA, 1300 SAT (before they changed the format), 2 years of undergrad work at a prestigious school, 3 months in inpatient treatment, and countless appointments with my psychologist in the midst of enough suffering and strife to make your head explode. Right now, I'm too overwhelmed by worrying about what my body looks like, what other people think of me and what I've done in my life, micromanaging my food, and being disconnected from any friends I had. The refrain contains the lines "And my head keeps spinnin', I can't stop havin' these visions, I gotta get wit' it." Even though it's the truth that I am sick, just as anyone with cancer or heart disease is sick, I forget that. I tell myself I should get with it and deal. I want to be the person I think I really am inside; someone who is extroverted and values himself, knows what his beliefs are, cares about others, and can impact the world. Someone who will forge friendships to last a lifetime. Someone who will find the woman who is the love of my life, someday. Someone who will be remembered. But I'm not that person, not right now anyway. And I won't be able to find him alone.