Some thoughts.

I'll preface the heavier things with some sarcasm.

Sign of the Apocalypse 4/9/09: At Target, today I noticed that they carry an animated version of the story of Jesus Christ's crucifixion, titled: "The Animated Passion: Friendly for the Whole Family."

I've restarted my undergraduate studies after transferring to a larger, public university. I love the classes, I love the campus, I love the city, but I have some problems. I don't know many people here at all, and I am still in pretty urgent need of friends to really help push me towards completing my reintegration. It's surreal; I'm on campus, walking around in between classes, and there are people my age everywhere, but I still feel isolated because I don't know or talk to any of them. It's a strange psychological paradox: I'm around hundreds of other people yet I am still alone.

While it may be a tad melodramatic and certainly not helpful to dwell on, I often say that I have largely forgotten how to really make friends. I can manage all the interpersonal social skills that are basic for everyday life.

But I'm afraid of trying to do anything to go beyond that point. I've always been relatively inept when it comes to the art of making friends, asking girls out, etc. It's because I'm afraid of rejection: that they will either throw my humble request back in my face, or that they will dislike what they see in me once they become more acquainted. I'm afraid of not being good enough for people.

The result is embarrassing. Desperate for friends and/or affection from girls, suffice to say I try way too hard. I create paralysis through analysis, thinking far too much about every minute detail, worrying about what people think about me (more often than not, what I think people think about me).

And this is the situation I find myself in now. Much like the experience expressed in the lyrics of Blue Scholars, Common Market, and Gabriel Teodros, I have a second home in my headphones because I don't know what to do about my social circumstances.