The beautiful game, always my first love

Soccer has bewitched my soul once again. Throughout my life, it has always been my favorite sport, the only game that combines free-flowing fluidity with an essential symbiosis of physical abilities and advanced mental vision. For a while, I separated from it, as I distorted its role in my life and my self-image. But now, thanks to a close friend and a local team, my soul is once again reverberating with the enthusiasm and joy created by soccer; as if my beating heart were replaced with a Brazilian drum vibrating to the stylings of a samba.

For many years, it caused almost as much pain as it did joy; being an aspiring player trying to play at the college and semi-pro levels, my self-worth was often gauged by how favorably I perceived myself as a soccer player. This perception was almost always overly critical, and the assessment: not good enough, inadequate. I stopped purely having fun playing a long time ago, when the competition and self-improvement became the primary focus rather than simply loving and enjoying a game. By my estimation, this point came when I was 12. I was never fit enough, skilled enough, or good enough.

Soccer became an emblem of guilt that I wore on my heart as I drifted away from the game. I am an infinitely deep well of soccer acumen and knowledge, and I've always been a skilled player, if not the most athletically gifted. But I had become disjointed from the game, unsure how to interpret my relationship with it.

I still watched my favorite team, Manchester United; I could never really go without following them. This team is the only team that I have supported so deeply and fervently that their results affect my disposition. But I felt like my passion was blunted because I wasn't playing anymore. Soccer was an entity that brought sadness and guilt, rather than the enjoyment and fun that it should.

Seattle Sounders FC is in its inaugural season as a member of Major League Soccer, the top professional division in America. I had always been a fan of the Sounders even since their days in the USL-1, and I was happy to see them get their deserved status in MLS. As they have begun play, the Sounders fever has gradually taken hold; I'm excited about this team. They represent us, the people of Washington. I feel more connected with this team than with Manchester United, even though the Red Devils will always come first.

The final straw in breaking the guilty streak and ending the hiatus between soccer and I was a good friend and former teammate on a select team inviting me to play on his indoor soccer team. Last night, we played, and despite not touching a ball for a few months, it was like I never left. The advanced technique and skill, the tactical sense, the vision which blesses me with the ability to craft vivid footballing pictures and make them real, all of them clicked straight back in. It was almost too much emotionally; I felt so grateful. And best of all, I had fun. It didn't bother me if I made mistakes or had some moments of rust. I was back playing the world's game, my game.

Even though the Sounders lost 1-0 to the Kansas City Wizards tonight, I take solace in the fact that soccer and I have reuinted completely. I missed you, footie.